Marriage & Parenting

The whole gay marriage discussion over at One Hand Clapping has been morphing somewhat into a discussion (a good one, I might add) of why the institution of marriage came about and what strengths it brings to a society. The whole discussion, which I've been following pretty closely, has really clarified in my mind a few points.

First, "marriage" is probably the wrong word to use when referring to homosexual unions which enjoy the same legal protections as heterosexual marriages. The phrase "civil union" has already been bandied about as a possible replacement term. I don't know what else to call it, but the term "marriage" to describe two partners of the same sex seems to be a real point of contention (and I can understand why).

Second, regardless of the legal status of homosexual unions, under no circumstances do they have the right to have them blessed by a church which stands opposed to same sex unions. If the Catholic Church wants to remain opposed to the unions, as it probably should since they would go against all the teachings of the Church for the last couple of millennia, it is the right of the Church to decide what its stance is and to discriminate against those in violation of that stance. That means if the Church wants to refuse to bless the union, that's fine. If the Church wants to excommunicate homosexual partners, that's fine too. The gays have no right whatsoever to dictate to the Church what its teachings should be. And the government has no right to tell the Church that they can't discriminate against those who violate its teachings. The whole "separation of church and state" thing is a two way street.

And my final, and most strongly held, point is that just because a man gets a woman pregnant, does not necessarily mean that he is the best possible father for that child. Just because he was the sperm donor doesn't mean that he's going to care a lick about those kids.

And I know that this is true.

For those who haven't caught on yet, I "live in sin" with my girlfriend and her three kids. Three kids, two fathers. And neither one gives a damn about their kids.

One of them has literally stolen food from his two kids. He also stole and sold toys and electronics that he knew his kids used. In the last five plus years, he has paid a grand total of $25.00 in child support. We buy them birthday and Christmas presents, and put his name on them so that he doesn't look to them as a total deadbeat. The last time he came to a birthday party he was drunk. Is he really the best possible parent out there for those kids?

The other one is over $2000 behind in his child support payments. He promises, promises, and promises everything and anything to his daughter, yet he never follows through. He borrowed $100 from his mother, supposedly to help buy his kid a car; he spent the money on beer instead. He is constantly drunk; he has also come to birthday parties for the little ones drunk as a skunk. His only concern in life is where that next beer is coming from. Is he the best possible parent out there for his kid?

I'm not claiming to be perfect, far from it. God only knows that I've made more than my fair share of mistakes as I came into this whole parenting thing and had to take on an 11 year old, a 3 year old and a two year old - without any preparation at all.

But part of why I'm here is because right after I met my girlfriend, her ex was a drunk and the little ones' father stole her last food money. For some reason, I decided to be charitable and kind and I loaned her the money to get them food. Five years later, here we are. We aren't wealthy by any means - right now we're just barely making ends meet - but the kids have never wanted for food. They haven't had to worry about Daddy stealing the car and disappearing for weeks on end. They don't worry about the landlord coming around with the sheriff to evict them. They actually have somewhat normal, if monetarily poor, lives.

I have to believe that I'm doing a better job than their biological fathers ever would have cared to do. They're not "my" kids, but they are my kids.

It isn't right to define parent, mother or father by using biological donations. Procreating does not make someone a parent. Caring for and protecting a child, that makes someone a parent.

The best possible parent for a child is the one who truly loves it. Marriage or biological relation is not the only determining factor.