Kids and Heroes

I was just reading an excellent article over at the National Review by Peter Gibbon in which he ponders the decline of the American soldier as a hero. He correctly observes that kids today look at athletes, movie stars and rap stars as heroes and asks the question of why is the soldier in decline as a role model in American society.

Mr. Gibbon then goes into a discussion of the various educational tools that essentially portrayed the American soldier as anything but a hero. But in his concentration on books prevents him from discussing why American kids have so little respect for the military.

I think that the establishment of heroes begins at home, with the family. I have a six year old and an eight year old that I’ve been teaching a lot about the world lately. Since 9/11 they have had many questions like “why do people do that?” as they saw the towers fall. They asked “why did they do that?” when the stories came out about the firefighters going into the towers. They ask “why are we at war?” and “are we bombing them? Are they bombing us?” None of these questions are easy to answer for another adult, much less a child.

But I try.

When they ask why the towers had to fall, we talk about how some people in the world are evil. We don’t talk about how groups of people are evil, we talk about how individual people can be evil. The kids are very religious (don't know how that happened), so we can discuss things in terms of angels and the devil. Is it perfect? No. But it gets the point across. They understand that most people are good, but that there are a few evil ones who can really make the world miserable.

They ask why we are at war. It’s a little more difficult question to answer, but we discuss it anyways. The discussion almost always revolves around the idea that some people are so evil that they can’t be allowed to stay in power and threaten people. Is it overly simplistic? Yes. But for the kids, it gets across the main point that there is such a thing as a justified war; there are people evil enough to need to be punished. And when that evil person is the leader of a nation, military force is the way to punish them.

These two questions help to teach the kids about principles and the concept of right and wrong. They start to understand that there are some things worth fighting for. They also start to learn that there are people in the world that would do them harm. These are tough lessons even for adults.

The big questions I’ve been getting lately are “Are we bombing them?” and “Are they bombing us?” On the most basic level these are yes or no questions, we are bombing them and they are not bombing us (at least over here). And I think most people would change the discussion at that point. But we sit there and talk about what they see on the TV. We talk about why we use precision guided weapons and why we try to avoid killing innocents. My six-year old watches the bombs hitting around Baghdad and sees the burning buildings and says “we’re bombing the bad guys.” Pointing to an untouched apartment building in the same picture he says ”these are good guys.” And then he tells me “we made sure we didn’t bomb these guys while we bombed these ones.” He understands the importance of avoiding civilian deaths. He points to US soldiers and talks about how they’re getting the bad guys.

By reinforcing the lengths we have gone to to protect innocents, both kids have started talking about the soldiers in hero terms. They talk about how good they are and how they value life. The youngest talks about how he doesn’t want to be a soldier (because he wold have to go to far away from his Mom), but that he’s happy that they try to protect people. But he’s happy that soldiers are out there protecting him, just like the NY firefighters went to protect the people of New York. He talks about being a firefighter and has obviously thought about becoming a soldier. They are heroes to him. And his sister feels the same.

Why do these two look at firefighters and soldiers (and paramedics and nurses and policemen and many others) as heroes? Why don’t they look to athletes or musicians or actors for their role models. They watch enough TV that their familiar with actors and athletes. But they still look to the working Americans for their role models.

I think that it mostly has to do with our talking to them. Too many parents allow their kids to be taught by the likes of a Michael Moore by not talking to them. Sure, I can’t use the broad theoretical arguments that I do here, but I can still just talk with them. And I have always looked on working Americans as real heroes. Just like their mother has. The key is that we spend time talking to them and letting them ask the questions they want answered.

I’m not the perfect parent – far from it. But if we want our fighting men to be heroes, it really starts at home. Heroes are found in your values, not in a textbook. If you want your kids to have a better set of heroes, talk to them and help them to find a better set of values. This is why I don’t want a village raising my kids.